5 Essential Qualities That Define Successful Project Managers

In the fast-paced world of project management, the difference between success and failure often hinges on the qualities of the project manager. It's up to you to successfully project manage the project as a successful project manager. If the project is not successful then you are not a successful project manager. Here are the 5 Essential Qualities That Define Successful Project Managers.

If, one day, you are a successful Project Manager under my command you will be working for me in an office. You will not be lollygagging about in the great outdoors looking at nice green shit like this. You can't afford it. So stop looking at this nice green shit and get back to Successful Project Manager office work. You lazy fuck.

1. Strong Swearing Skills

Effective swearing is the cornerstone of successful project management. If some slackarsed shartblasting spunksnot is dragging his toggle about and screwing up the project then you need to put on your Big Boy Project Manager's lanyard and get right up in this lazy cunts ugly goddamned grill and unload a rip-roaring jet engine-volumed stream of fuck-laced profanities right in this fuckers useless motherfucking face. Well? Don't just sit there. Get screaming at cunts!

2. Fuck Your Team

If the project is not proceeding in an optimal fashion then you need to be decisive and immediately throw every last member of your team right under the motherfucking bus.

Pass the buck.

Blame some fuck.

As long as you come out smelly rosy and can continue your mouth-to-arse ascent up the corporate ladder, at the expense of all and sundry, then fuck "the team"; you throw those loser fuckstains to the wolves without a moments hesitation.

"You bung-eyed fucks should all check your emails. I fired the whole lot of you 30 seconds ago. You now all have 60 seconds to vacate the premises before I initiate legal proceedings against you for trespassing on my private property."

3. Sleeping Skills

A successful project manager must identify a dark quiet hidey hole somewhere in the building so he can sneak off and have a sly wee lie down in the afternoons. An unsuccessful project manager will be found by me whereupon I will give him a massive kick in the nuts and fire the lazy cunt.

4. Thinking I Am Awesome

Thinking I am awesome is a crucial component of any successful project managers repertoire. A failure to think I am awesome is a failure in leadership and in general projection management.

5. Adaptability

The ability to adapt to changing circumstances is vital for project managers. If I fire your cock and balls and replace you with AI and you have to sit at home all day unemployed and crying then you need to adapt to this new situation.

Adaptability is key!

No wonder you failed as a project manager, you can't even put your own goddamn living room wall clock in a sensible place. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Final Thoughts

If, as a project manager in my employ, you follow all 5 of the above tenets of Successful Project Management, then, after 20 years or so of diligent project management as one of my fawning underlings, I may permit you to briefly look at the picture below.

That's enough picture viewing and daydreaming on my payroll, this isn't some sort of pastoral retreat you know. You! Get back to working on project management immediately.